my photography

Most of you probably know I’m not the best or most creative of photographers. Since I am starting a new year (it’s my birthday) I decided that I want to push myself with regards to my photography.

I m working on a few plans and wit luck I will share the results here.

As the majority of my photography is shot indoors i decided that I ought to try more conventional setup s and see what the results are.

On a related note I’ve decided to do away with the paper backdrops and replace them with canvas painted ones. I believe they’re going to be more durable and easier to work with than the paper-based ones I used in the past.

Making progress is a good thing!

I’m really happy to say that eeven though I’ve been fighting a cold bug & food allergies that I managed to get quite a few things done this weekend. More than I expected to, so I’m feeling pretty good. 🙂 🙂 🙂

My goal for re-opening CKWorkshop at Etsy is November 1st and I am feeling pretty confident that I am going to have at least some of the stuff photographed and written up for it. The only thing I am unsure about is the new shipping system that Etsy has and if I should try to do their new automated option. I mean, anything that makes shipping stuff out is a great thing…I just hope it isn’t buggy.

So that’s the news for today. 🙂

Okay, it’s almost October. That means what?

Fall. Autumn. Crisp air, bright sunshine, cloudy rainy days. All waiting for me.
My favorite time of year. Along with my birthday, of course! *snerk* I’m old enough that I really shouldn’t keep track of them anymore. Plus my fencing gear that I got last year is supposed to equal my birthday gift for about 2 years. It’s good stuff, so I can’t comp.lain except of course, I keep wishing for dolls! 😉

Yea, so the end of this month, September is finally rolling near and I have 2 NDR projects to finish before I can begin having time to work with my dolls and customs. And breathe. I’ve been feeling like this month has been a nonstop ride and couldn’t ever seem to just catch my pace. I’m looking forward to it though, because I have some new techniques that I want to try and see if they will work and give me better results with less frustration. We’ll see.

October — well, that’s the month I am going to list all the stuff I have been working on for Etsy. Talking crap-ton. I don’t get so tired making the stuff, you know? It’s the photography that always ends up making me knackered. Oh well, at least I can manage to take decent photos when I need to. 🙂

I haven’t worked any more on my dioramas but I did decide that the cafe really should have wooden floors (think dark, walnut). Of course if I do that, I’d be looking at at least 50 bucks worth of wood to do it right. (not using actual walnut mind you, just varnish that color). Worth it? Yes. Have it? Nope. So that stays on the back burner a little longer.
I’d like to work on Emerson’s apartment, but I don’t think I’ll hit that until December rolls around.

November will be all about Nano. (I’m planning on writing the prequel to Emerson & Giselle’s story. I decided I’ll do it in my modified script form (like I generally use for photostories). Then it’s easy to shoot it after. Do you know I dream about my characters? And sometimes I find myself asking questions about them. 😉 like I’m having a convo. LOL.

Ok so what was my point again?
Oh yea! I’m getting ready to post stuff on etsy soon andf I’ll preview most of it here so that the few people who follow this blog will have first look at my goodies 😉

Be good to each other people.

NDR: everything was looking up…and then BAM!

This is a personal post, not about dolls. So if you want dolls please wait until I post something else, please?

Okay, let’s be clear here. I’ve been struggling a lot with my depression and have only within the last two to three weeks started to feel more “rawr” and a lot more motivated to do things in 1/6 and finish outstanding projects and commissions.

Hey, I was loving that.

I got two commissions finished, I started making doll jewelry, I picked up another commission that I had outstanding and I felt all kinds of inspiired and jonesin’ to make stuff and try new techniques. When I’m in that state it is fucking great.

It was like how I used to be before my mental health really began to be a big problem for me.

Hey, I know everyone has their problems and issues and I am not the only one out there. Knowing that doesn’t make things any easier or nicer. For the majority of my life I’ve had dysthymia and for the most part I coped. Along the way though, through the years something changed in my chemical/biological make up and I was treated to repeated bouts of major depression that are awful. My third psychiatrist explained that what I had was basically a low wave that was constantly there (the dysthymia) and over that I had a larger wave (the major depression disorder) that they were mostly separate except for when the two periodically intersected with each other. When that happens it becomes everything that I can do to get out of bed and _do_ anything. Being depressed really wears on your soul and except for brief sparks of “up” it’s a nasty thing.

I’ve gone through all kinds of therapy and attempts to manage it. Some worked better than others, and I’ve learned to try to avoid triggers. I’ve taken many different medications in the past (along with therapy) and without therapy and gone for periods with no medication at all (generally when I had no health care coverage).

So anyway, I’m going to talk about this a little more.

I feel I need to explain why there are long silences on the blog, why I haven’t done a crap-ton of photographs or photostories. Why I haven’t done much repainting, and customizing.

The answer is pretty simple. It is because of my stupid depression. I hate it but am still learning to live with it 30+ years after diagnosis. I still struggle and sometimes things get to difficult to bear. I have to credit my cats initially for keeping me from committing suicide, and later (now) my cats and my husband keep me from that.

So along with my various dorms of depression I also suffer from what my doctor called crippling anxiety yesterday (I’ll get into that a bit further down this post). I get panic attacks in the middle of the night, or day, being social and around a gathering of more than a few people makes me feel sick to my stomach because my brain is trying to figure out the “right” thing to do/say/be because of that. Meanwhile all my muscles tense up and stay that way. I don’t grind my teeth but I subconsciously clench my teeth and developed TMJ. I cannot relax the muscles in my face, and my shoulders become rigid.

It sucks.

It used to be I was moderately anxious (I always have been, even as a child when I was frequently told I was a worry-wort.) but like the depression it’s gotten worse through the years. I have been medicated for it, I’ve tried therapy for it, and CBT and sometimes I can manage it pretty well. But a lot of the time–not.

I thought that the best way to try to push against my social anxiety (different from my general anxiety) would be to force myself to go out and meet new people and socialize. I have been forcing myself for the last 3 years to be part of a group called the Society for Creative Anachronism. It’s a way for me to try to get out with people which of course is also supposed to help me cope with my depression. I like the SCA, but like with my 1/6 stuff, my involvement depends highly on my state of mind. I’ve met a lot of cool people, a few douches and learned new things. That’s all great stuff (well, not the douches). But I remain in the grasp of anxiety.

Did I mention that I like things to be fairly stable? Yeah, I do. When things stop being stable, or something pops up that I wasn’t prepared for I mentally freak out and it isn’t pretty. This is where I am now.

I was tooling along having escaped the deeper depression and was doing my stuff and feeling good. Not great, but good and to me, that’s probably equal to everyone elses great. I am still having severe anxiety and it started affecting my quality of life. The fact that my mind and body remained under constant stress didn’t/doesn’t help my health. So anyway…

I went to my doctor (who up til this point had been doing my med-management with some reluctance) yesterday. I took my husband with me because I wanted her to have someone else’s POV on how I was doing/living etc, and also, because sometimes it is just plain nice to have some support when going to the doctor’s.

She told me that my depression and anxiety are too much for her to continue to take on and that I would need to find a psychiatrist to do my meds because she feels they need to be changed but as she is a PCP she isn’t familiar with all the new treatments and drugs since she doesn’t have to read that literature for her continuing medical education reqs.

I wasn’t really surprised, but I ended up crying anyway. I felt like things just suddenly crumbled and that pylon of stability was gone. She thinks I may do better on anti-psychotics to deal with the anxiety but that I would still need medication for the depression…and she said it is much farther out of her scope than she feels comfortable with. Hearing that, knowing that was the case messed with my head (I have abandonment issues) and dropped the “good” mood/state I was in right down to full panic-mode. I didn’t sleep last night, I binge ate, and in general feel crummy. BUT I am trying to remain positive about how this will work out. It’s got to get better. It really does. I am so freakin tired of being on a constant low. And I’m super sick of being so on edge about everything.

So now I am on the hunt (again) for a psychiatrist to 1) accept my medical insurance, 2)is accepting new patients, 3) isn’t much further than an hour’s drive since I don’t know how often I may have to go.

Right now I’m pushing myself to try to keep doing the things I was doing before I went to the doctor’s. Playing with my dolls, thinking about scripting them for photostories, trying to get my repainting skills back, posting on forums.

If I disappear from posting–now you’ll know why.

Learning to be Kind…

It’s taken a bit for me to realize that it is ok to be kind to myself. I put a lot of expectations and stress on myself when it comes to making things/doing things/ and just plain existing.

Today I realized that it IS ok to be kind to myself and not ride my case because the things I am doing aren;t coming out how I want them to, or are just flops.

That’s ok. And I have to be ok with that too.

I can’t say when the last time was that I sewed clothing in 1/6 scale. Most of the sewing I’ve done over the last year has been for my other hobby, the SCA. So the sewing small stuff fell by the wayside and I concentrated on making clothes for 1:1.

But now I am trying to get back into the 1/6 sewing and it is proving frustrating. But I think if I keep taking deep breaths, get up and walk away from the sewing machine and try to be more lighthearted about my attempts–it should be ok.

It is bound to be better if I can at least shut up my inner critic for a while 😉

 

Diorama stuff: Emerson’s Apartment

I’ve been kind of quiet here on the blog. I haven’t got an excuse–I have got reasons!

Firstly, I have been giving a lot of thought to the two roomset/dioramas I want to get on the ball with making. The first is Emerson’s apartment, and although it isn’t strictly 1/6 (I have to make allowances for that simply because we don’t live in a big enough house to do it to true 1/6 and still have room for us humans and furballs 😉

The second is the cafe and that’s just on hold until I can afford to buy the supplies to make it. 😛

In anycase, I am basing the apartment on one I lived in in NY. It wasn’t my favorite apartment but it wasn’t the worst one I’d lived in either. I also feel that with some tweaks and flips I can use it for other characters who may,or may not be living in the same building… 🙂 I could actually see one of her cousins living in the same building (possibly she put in a good word with the landlord Mr.Benedetti and got her the apt?) And who knows who else lives in the building???

BTW: if I haven’t introduced her—this is Emerson (Emerson Appleton).

5

Welcome back, Welcome baaaaack

It’s the same old blog that we laughed about…

Seriously, folks. I’m back. Although I may not (definitely) be batting 100 or 1000 I am at least functioning & feeling well enough to sink my claws back into this hobby of mine.

Let’s be clear: I love 1:6 and suspect I will until the day I shuffle off this mortal coil (or have a personality transplant. Whichever happens first) 😉

It is embarrassing to admit that since my last post in September I have done absolutely nothing with my dolls, dioramas, props or sewing. It probably shouldn’t embarrass me–I mean I suffer from clinical depression and have periods like this throughout my life that this happens. With pretty much everything. I hope that anyone who reads this blog can understand and forgive me for being a bad blogger! Please?

While I am on the uptick I still need to be careful about how much/many projects I take on and commit to at one time. For me it’s easy to rush headlong into allllllll the things I could be, want to be, and should be doing. But I’ve just gotten my equilibrium back and I want to stay as level and balanced as I can for the sake of myself and my family and friends.  SO I am going to spend the next month (the rest of this month, and half of January 2016 playing with my dolls and action figures. It has been such a long time since I’ve done that in any way, that I need to.

I want to sit and re-dress them.
Some of my dolls don’t even have “real” (as in assigned) names yet. I want to become familiar with those so I can cast them as characters in the Quinlan Chronicles (which is going to start shooting in 2016, I swear!).
Maybe make a shirt or two for one that needs a certain style. I can’t even remember the last time I sewed something for a doll?
Take photos of them. I mean, basically I want to do what everyone else does! 😉
I just want to take some time to enjoy them.

So just a heads up that the next month of posts may be mostly be showing photos of my dolls and things I am doing for (or to) them. Maybe I will do a little customizing, maybe I won’t. Either way I plan on allowing myself to have a little bit of fun with 1/6 scale and go from there.

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