What is love? NDR post

What is love? Do I love my hobbies? Do I love my husband? Do I love my cats and family? My friends?

I guess I must.

For now, Love is hanging in there when all you want to do is give up.Love is continuing to breathe and not take too many pills and overdose. It’s not using the scalpel on my skin rather than craft supplies.

When I’m honest with Mark about how I feel, that I don’t see much merit in staying alive and that I would like very much to render myself dead, he says not to say that. He says he would be hurt if I did.

Wow, more guilt for me to deal with before I’ve even done anything (except for the episode in april where I was overdosing on my antidepressant/sleepaid. My only worry then (after I figured out that that’s what was going on with my body Ha ha) was me dying and the cats being left alone with not enough food or water–until hopefully one of my friends would come by and see my dead ass self wherever I was and realize the cats needed care.

And that’s another screw up for me. We have 4 cats. I take it very seriously that I am their parent and it is my responsibility to make sure they are taken care of and cared for. I can only name a few people that I think would be able to give them the care they need, and frankly, I couldn’t see anyone taken them on, with all their peculiar quirks and stuff.

I mentioned that I am selfish,right?

People say committing suicide is selfish. Because you leave everyone else behind to deal with the shit of life. I’m pretty selfish. I am. I know it. and I can openly admit it. I am not selfless, or whatever.

I don’t know how long I can keep holding on. How much longer I can roll with the waves of bullshit that keep hitting me. The anxiety keeps my body in a constant tense and tight ball that in turn makes everything else hurt. I try to flip on a positive attitude but that seems pretty pointless since I’m being bombarded with angry words and tantrums.

Because nothing is improving, or getting better. All the same issues hang in space and I want to walk off a cliff. I want to cry. I want to give up.

I don’t care if I die tonight and that’s the end of things. I’d pretty much welcome that–except of course for the fact that I would be worried about the cats. Mark is not meant to be a single parent to a bunch of cats. He’d probably try to find them a new home and move back to the UK and be with his family and friends there. So in that sense, just walking away from everything seems ok. Maybe even a better outcome for Mark since he is pretty miserable here and there is nothing that I can do about it.

I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of just hanging in there. I’m tired of lying to everyone that I’m ok and I’m fine and hanging in there. Oh yea. I am hanging. but it feels like a very thin thread that I’m holding onto. And I’ll be honest I feel like cutting it too. It feels like its too much.

I’m sick of feeling so frustrated and angry at myself for feeling this way, and for being depressed.

I started this morning thinking that maybe I could find my paints and try to work on repainting a doll face or two. I am so far removed from that now that it seems pointless to even think about my dolls and the stories that I want to tell with them but haven’t. And I don’t know if I ever will.  Maybe if I can catch a good mood I’ll manage to do it. But right now I doubt it. I’m flat. and that is it.

Today is the first day I took some dolls out of boxes…

and popped their heads off for body swapping. I have one head that I need to add hair plugs to because she was really thinly rooted (for an updo) but I want her hair down so gotta do it. Unfortunately IT makes their doll vinyl heads so hard that it’s a PITA for me to do it. Most of the time I don’t bother. But this is one that I really like (her name is Ophelia) and yea, she’s my doll project for october/november.

I owe you all an explanation: Why haven’t I been blogging?

Well, where do I start?
How about a brief recap. If you guys want to know more, or have questions you can always comment or send me an email (that I will try to answer but facing the computer does still take a lot out of me).

I’ve been depressed and my meds are still being adjusted. I don’t know if I mentioned that I started a job back in January/Feb (I don’t remember exactly when). I’m doing retail work and the job I can cope with but my boss is just–I know it’s rare to get a boss who isn’t a jackass, but this one really does take the cake. When he interviewed me, I told him full disclosure about my mental health problems, and my physical (that I am prone to migraines). Knowing that full well, he hired me anyway and I began working there.
I never got any official training, and I am constantly being admonished because I am not doing something according to store protocol. Yes, I mention that I have not been trained, and I get told that I should just pick it all up, and that if I want to learn more then I need to pay better attention and also eavesdrop on phone calls. Yeah. Really.
There is a lot that really blows my mind about this job in so far as it is not run like any business I have ever worked for.
I won’t go too much into it except to say that my boss is politically incorrect, obnoxious, and very verbal.

Earlier this week my boss told me that he was going to either fire me or cut my hours because I was “too stressed” (which is bullshit in this particular instance) and that I have too many issues to allow me to work there the kind of hours I had been. I told him, fine if that’s what you want, I’ll go. After all it’s at-will employment and either one of us can quit/fire for whatever whenever. Then he said he would be willing to cut my hours if I wanted to stay for that…I said probably (frankly, the lost money is worth it in giving me more time to deal with everything else right now).
So apparently, he is cutting me from 28 hours a week to 10.5 hours a week. It’s a big cut, but who knows, maybe it is what I need right now. He added in caveats that he would want to call me to float / cover other people’s shifts. I said: You can always call me, but I may be doing something else at that time and might not be available.(being honest).
Anyway I tell him I’m very excited about the hours /days cut. Instead of working 5 days a week I’d be working 3, which would give me a break from his general asshole-ness.

Want to hear something sad but funny?
Yesterday he had the nerve to ask me if my husband (mark) was real or if he was actually a delusion or figment of my imagination.

Really. He said that.

And I have guilt out the ass… I have commissions that I promised I’d do, I have a couple of dolls that should have been sent out in January and they are still here in a box because it was just too much to do anything other than come home, feed the cats take my meds and try to sleep. Of course my insomnia is not helped by everything else but I take meds for it and if I don’t take them at 6pm I end up drowsy the next day which is a no-go if I want to drive or do anything really.

In addition to the job situation I also should tell you that Mark went to the UK at the end of December 2016 to to try to sort out the medical care situation for his father who had fallen and hurt himself. In the time that he was there his father got worse, his mother very needy and manipulative, and his sister not helping at all. Fast Forward to now, April 28th and he is _still_ in the UK, still trying to sort things out. His father had a few medical emergencies and now is in the hospital and has been for about 2 weeks. It’s been determined that he will need to go into a nursing home with full care because he can’t care for himself at all. Of course, this is an issue because Mark’s mother can’t live on her own, so she will need to go into adult community or something like that.

So yea, Mark is still in the UK, and it’s doubtful that he will be back before the beginning of June. It’s a long time to go without seeing the man I’ve been married to for the last 10 years, and aside from the physical distance, there’s things here at the house he does that I am simply not capable of doing. I’m doing my best, but it’s not good. The winter was the worst because we got clobbered with snow and I had to resort to begging my neighbor (down the road a 3/4 of a mile or a mile something like that) to help me shovel out. We’ve reached an agreement that I give him a steak and he does the driveway.

Add to this that I had problems with my balance due to some of the meds and fell down and sprained my wrist and fractured the other. I also fell off my chair and whacked my head, and managed to break both of my pinky toes over the last 3 months. And two weeks back they found another fracture in my wrist. Don’t know if its new or old or what. Ugh.

And at the end of February Electra began suffering from diarrhea. It didn’t pass after a week and I took her to the vet. He medicated her, tested her, did a work up and still the diarrhea persisted. He wanted to hospitalize her so he could give her fluids (against dehydration, etc) and to continue to try to figure out the issue. I was a wreck emotionally, no Electra, No Mark, asshole boss, snow and being lonely and feeling pretty isolated from everything in general. And of course, even more depressed and anxious.
She was hospitalized for more than a month.
I finally got her back 2 weeks ago (with semi solid turds the best we could manage from her at that point), with the understanding that she may need to be re-hospitalized if we can’t get to the bottom of this sooner. Tests are expensive, and vets are expensive and I love Electra with all my heart so all I can do is agree.
My vet told me he and the office staff all got attached to Electra, and that he personally felt a spiritual and emotional bond to her. Which helped to set me at ease. He cares and we’re all working on what’s best for her.
(in fact we have another appointment for her this morning, and I’m optimistic about it because for the past few days her turds have been more solid than not. Which points to this being as he suspected an irritable bowel/intestinal/stomach issue (when I took her home he gave me special food for her and it seems to be doing the job. It will mean keeping her on it for the rest of her life (or until her innards decide they don’t like it anymore).

Anyway, that’s it all in a nutshell (get the pun? I’m a nut in a shell??)
I want to be able to pick up my dolls and stuff but I’m not there yet. I have a few sitting on my computer tower (and they are covered with dust.)
I hope soon.

Give me a few more weeks to get my crap together, ok?

I’m on my 6th or 7th round of med tweaking with my new med person, my left wrist is healing up from a bad fall (3 hairline fractures), and I’m doing my best to hold on in here. I think my meds are moving in the right direction because I’m not feeling half as bad as I used to, I’m not skipping around and looking at the world going la la la….but I can feel an improvement and so can my therapist. But I’m still fatigued a lot *think, work shift, eat, go to sleep by 7 or8pm* of course I am still waking up multiple times per night (as per usual) but I think the earlier sleeping is probably just due to mental fatigue. I am overwhelmed.
I promise I’ll get back to listing things on etsy, talking about dolls and photostories.

Dolls. Action Figures. Managing my collection…

Well, things haven’t played out quite the way I intended since my last post, but that’s ok. I want to thank everyone who has sent me an email or a comment on any of my recent posts. I’ve been overwhelmed by facing emails and fatigue has been tough to deal with and it is affecting me.

I wanted to post here and mention that I have started a small project for 1/6 scale. I’m not ready to do more than something small because otherwise I’ll be overwhelmed.

My project for this month (and probably into next) is to make a 1/6 scale radiator. I’m going to need a couple of them in different sizes and shapes for Emerson’s apartment diorama. I’ll post photos as soon as I am past the “figuring it out” phase 😉

It’s 3:53am do you know where your dolls are?

Yeah. For the most part. There are a couple who are MIA but I’m sure that I’ve put them someplace that is “safe”…for some reason or another. I’ve been awake since about 12:30 and spent a couple of hours tossing, turning and looking at Pinterest on my phone while snuggling with Jess. I’m so happy to finally have a lap/chest cat again. 🙂

I’m slowly dealing with my depression. I’ve been switched onto some new meds last week, and an additional one on Monday so we’ll see how it plays out. I feel much better now that I am out of crisis and don’t have to have someone watching me full-time. Ugh.

Mark will be heading off to england again next week. We both know it’s not the best time for him to go, but his mother (who is geriatric and afaik has everything wrong in the universe with her) is having operations done on both of her eyes and she needs someone to take care of her and the house and her alzheimer-diseased husband -nope. Not gonna be much help there. His sister who lives in London, can’t be assed, so it falls to Mark. They have a strange family dynamic. (Or I don’t know, maybe it’s a normal one, since I had something way beyond that_).

To try to keep from hitting another bad patch, I have agreed to do two things while Mark is away:

  1. Make as many props and accessories as I can for the sets and dioramas I want to get done this year. Small projects, sure, but there are massive amounts of things to be made and if I do a couple every day that will help (if nothing else I’ll have some stuff made LOL)
  2. Take 1 photo each week of the same diorama — each time decorated totally differently. That will take effort and time and I hope I can keep my motivation up while doing it.

Anyway just wanted a quick check in.

Thanks everyone who’ve emailed and stuff. It goes a long way toward making me feel less alone.

e

NDR: When everything seems to be too much…

Look folks, my depression exists.
It sucks and sadly life sucks too when I’m having a mde (major depressive episode).
I went into crisis over the weekend. Long story short I was looking hard for reasons not to cause harm to myself, and to that end I left the house early in the am in my pajamas and went for a long, long walk in the freezing rain and my slippers. My husband found me at some point and took me home and I was just a gibbering wreck who hurt so much that I couldn’t really grasp where things were connected or not. I left the house because I wasn’t safe and I was struggling not to use my scalpel knife and do it right, or I was going to go start the car in the garage and just sit in it until the carbon monoxide did the job. I walked instead. and walked. and cried and walked. I am glad I live on a rural road.

Yesterday I met my new psych/med manger. That was a hard step to take, but much needed. He put me on new meds and took me off other meds. The good news is that I got to be seen before I lost total control of myself, and I got the help I needed to keep me hanging on a while longer. I am hoping the new meds and management will help me get back onto an even keel and not be so ground down and tired and able to get things done.

I know the blog has been quiet, and that I really haven’t bothered to post anything. I will try to get back into it although I don’t know how much longer I am going to do the Etsy shop thing. If I can continue on an upward swing I’ll keep it open. If not then I’ll put it on hiatus again.

I’ll post again when I have something upbeat to say.
love you all.
E

my photography

Most of you probably know I’m not the best or most creative of photographers. Since I am starting a new year (it’s my birthday) I decided that I want to push myself with regards to my photography.

I m working on a few plans and wit luck I will share the results here.

As the majority of my photography is shot indoors i decided that I ought to try more conventional setup s and see what the results are.

On a related note I’ve decided to do away with the paper backdrops and replace them with canvas painted ones. I believe they’re going to be more durable and easier to work with than the paper-based ones I used in the past.

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