What is love? NDR post

What is love? Do I love my hobbies? Do I love my husband? Do I love my cats and family? My friends?

I guess I must.

For now, Love is hanging in there when all you want to do is give up.Love is continuing to breathe and not take too many pills and overdose. It’s not using the scalpel on my skin rather than craft supplies.

When I’m honest with Mark about how I feel, that I don’t see much merit in staying alive and that I would like very much to render myself dead, he says not to say that. He says he would be hurt if I did.

Wow, more guilt for me to deal with before I’ve even done anything (except for the episode in april where I was overdosing on my antidepressant/sleepaid. My only worry then (after I figured out that that’s what was going on with my body Ha ha) was me dying and the cats being left alone with not enough food or water–until hopefully one of my friends would come by and see my dead ass self wherever I was and realize the cats needed care.

And that’s another screw up for me. We have 4 cats. I take it very seriously that I am their parent and it is my responsibility to make sure they are taken care of and cared for. I can only name a few people that I think would be able to give them the care they need, and frankly, I couldn’t see anyone taken them on, with all their peculiar quirks and stuff.

I mentioned that I am selfish,right?

People say committing suicide is selfish. Because you leave everyone else behind to deal with the shit of life. I’m pretty selfish. I am. I know it. and I can openly admit it. I am not selfless, or whatever.

I don’t know how long I can keep holding on. How much longer I can roll with the waves of bullshit that keep hitting me. The anxiety keeps my body in a constant tense and tight ball that in turn makes everything else hurt. I try to flip on a positive attitude but that seems pretty pointless since I’m being bombarded with angry words and tantrums.

Because nothing is improving, or getting better. All the same issues hang in space and I want to walk off a cliff. I want to cry. I want to give up.

I don’t care if I die tonight and that’s the end of things. I’d pretty much welcome that–except of course for the fact that I would be worried about the cats. Mark is not meant to be a single parent to a bunch of cats. He’d probably try to find them a new home and move back to the UK and be with his family and friends there. So in that sense, just walking away from everything seems ok. Maybe even a better outcome for Mark since he is pretty miserable here and there is nothing that I can do about it.

I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of just hanging in there. I’m tired of lying to everyone that I’m ok and I’m fine and hanging in there. Oh yea. I am hanging. but it feels like a very thin thread that I’m holding onto. And I’ll be honest I feel like cutting it too. It feels like its too much.

I’m sick of feeling so frustrated and angry at myself for feeling this way, and for being depressed.

I started this morning thinking that maybe I could find my paints and try to work on repainting a doll face or two. I am so far removed from that now that it seems pointless to even think about my dolls and the stories that I want to tell with them but haven’t. And I don’t know if I ever will.  Maybe if I can catch a good mood I’ll manage to do it. But right now I doubt it. I’m flat. and that is it.

It’s been a month since I last posted….what’s changed?

Seriously?
Lots. I’ve gotten a part time job which I am finding fun if somewhat overwhelming due to new things to learn and of course face-to-face interaction with people. But it’s not bad and I am getting a kick out of it and a little $ so I’m not going to complain.

Doll wise I have been doing a lot of doll-swaps trading out dolls from my collection for other dolls that I want in my collection (primarily for characters in the quinlan chronicles). I have a Bus Stop Darla coming my way (in exchange for NO Eden), And I was super stoked when I managed to score Sneak Peek Eden and Up All night Lilith. I particularly wanted them for their cream skintone which is by far the nicest that IT does. I am plannning on making them cousins of Giselle & co and while they won’t be prominent in the stories at first, I do plan on having them in a few arcs.

I don’t think that I will be buying many dolls this year–the exceptions being I want Erin (from the reckless collection)

and the AKA Gigi from the same collection (Only because I want her head since I think she will be easy to transform into an alternative version of Emerson without me having to do too much to make it work).

Then there’s Trouble Eden, who’s a lottery doll from IT…

I never win any of their lotteries, so I really doubt I’d get her. I hope to use one of the lilith/edens with the cream skintone to make a faux-trouble-eden. She’ll be better because she’ll have the cream skintone instead of the japan skintone which Integrity has allowed to get more and more grey (not that you can tell in their promo shot).

Anyway, I’m still trying to get my meds balanced. I’m still not sleeping regularly, which has a knock on effect to my energy and stuff. But it’s early days yet, and even though I am struggling to have the energy to do anything other than go to work, I have hope that in time I will be able to be more productive, less drained and tired. After all, there are a crapton of diorama things I want to do!

 

Coming soon!

Hey everyboooooodddyyy!
Just want to let you all know that despite the issues here I am going to be re-opening my Etsy shop on Monday of next week! 😀
(and if you stop by here, on Monday and check my blog post you’ll find a coupon too!)

Happy Thanksgiving (in advance) to Everyone!

Photos of my dolls: a personal challenge

Taking some time to set up a doll, dress her and shoot.
It seems like a good place to start… not to mention that I have a bunch of dolls that I picked up over the last two years that I’ve never even photographed.

Taking this on as a personal challenge starting this week.
My goal is to shoot photos of some of my dolls each week. I want to do two posts featuring the photos. The thought behind the challenge is to help keep me motivated to do things with my dolls and add a bit of structure to my hobby. I don’t think I will do themes since just shooting some decent photos is the goal.

So much to do…and all of it takes time!

October hasn’t started in the best way possible, but it’s moving along and I am happy to say that I have managed to get some things done.

I need to take a couple of days to try to shoot photos of the jewelry and furniture I made and that Mark made for Etsy, as well as sharing some profiles on dolls/characters that I have added to my collection over the past year (I am waaaay behind in doing that!).

This week I am going to set up some lighting and see if I can do better with my photography. Lately it’s been meh due to my lack of willingness to be bothered with using good lighting to begin with. And lack of motivation in setting dolls up to shoot.That might not seem like a big deal but I feel it makes my photography stagnant and I’m not learning–so I am planning to try some new techniques and see how they work for me.

I should probably also take out the 60mm and use that too–it is a very good lens and I usually get some nice shots with it.

I’m working on some 1/6 area rugs and throw rugs that I want to list too (although I’ve fallen in love with one of them and it’ll be kind of painful to let it go (always the sign of a good miniature!).

I’ll update soon with some photos!

NDR: everything was looking up…and then BAM!

This is a personal post, not about dolls. So if you want dolls please wait until I post something else, please?

Okay, let’s be clear here. I’ve been struggling a lot with my depression and have only within the last two to three weeks started to feel more “rawr” and a lot more motivated to do things in 1/6 and finish outstanding projects and commissions.

Hey, I was loving that.

I got two commissions finished, I started making doll jewelry, I picked up another commission that I had outstanding and I felt all kinds of inspiired and jonesin’ to make stuff and try new techniques. When I’m in that state it is fucking great.

It was like how I used to be before my mental health really began to be a big problem for me.

Hey, I know everyone has their problems and issues and I am not the only one out there. Knowing that doesn’t make things any easier or nicer. For the majority of my life I’ve had dysthymia and for the most part I coped. Along the way though, through the years something changed in my chemical/biological make up and I was treated to repeated bouts of major depression that are awful. My third psychiatrist explained that what I had was basically a low wave that was constantly there (the dysthymia) and over that I had a larger wave (the major depression disorder) that they were mostly separate except for when the two periodically intersected with each other. When that happens it becomes everything that I can do to get out of bed and _do_ anything. Being depressed really wears on your soul and except for brief sparks of “up” it’s a nasty thing.

I’ve gone through all kinds of therapy and attempts to manage it. Some worked better than others, and I’ve learned to try to avoid triggers. I’ve taken many different medications in the past (along with therapy) and without therapy and gone for periods with no medication at all (generally when I had no health care coverage).

So anyway, I’m going to talk about this a little more.

I feel I need to explain why there are long silences on the blog, why I haven’t done a crap-ton of photographs or photostories. Why I haven’t done much repainting, and customizing.

The answer is pretty simple. It is because of my stupid depression. I hate it but am still learning to live with it 30+ years after diagnosis. I still struggle and sometimes things get to difficult to bear. I have to credit my cats initially for keeping me from committing suicide, and later (now) my cats and my husband keep me from that.

So along with my various dorms of depression I also suffer from what my doctor called crippling anxiety yesterday (I’ll get into that a bit further down this post). I get panic attacks in the middle of the night, or day, being social and around a gathering of more than a few people makes me feel sick to my stomach because my brain is trying to figure out the “right” thing to do/say/be because of that. Meanwhile all my muscles tense up and stay that way. I don’t grind my teeth but I subconsciously clench my teeth and developed TMJ. I cannot relax the muscles in my face, and my shoulders become rigid.

It sucks.

It used to be I was moderately anxious (I always have been, even as a child when I was frequently told I was a worry-wort.) but like the depression it’s gotten worse through the years. I have been medicated for it, I’ve tried therapy for it, and CBT and sometimes I can manage it pretty well. But a lot of the time–not.

I thought that the best way to try to push against my social anxiety (different from my general anxiety) would be to force myself to go out and meet new people and socialize. I have been forcing myself for the last 3 years to be part of a group called the Society for Creative Anachronism. It’s a way for me to try to get out with people which of course is also supposed to help me cope with my depression. I like the SCA, but like with my 1/6 stuff, my involvement depends highly on my state of mind. I’ve met a lot of cool people, a few douches and learned new things. That’s all great stuff (well, not the douches). But I remain in the grasp of anxiety.

Did I mention that I like things to be fairly stable? Yeah, I do. When things stop being stable, or something pops up that I wasn’t prepared for I mentally freak out and it isn’t pretty. This is where I am now.

I was tooling along having escaped the deeper depression and was doing my stuff and feeling good. Not great, but good and to me, that’s probably equal to everyone elses great. I am still having severe anxiety and it started affecting my quality of life. The fact that my mind and body remained under constant stress didn’t/doesn’t help my health. So anyway…

I went to my doctor (who up til this point had been doing my med-management with some reluctance) yesterday. I took my husband with me because I wanted her to have someone else’s POV on how I was doing/living etc, and also, because sometimes it is just plain nice to have some support when going to the doctor’s.

She told me that my depression and anxiety are too much for her to continue to take on and that I would need to find a psychiatrist to do my meds because she feels they need to be changed but as she is a PCP she isn’t familiar with all the new treatments and drugs since she doesn’t have to read that literature for her continuing medical education reqs.

I wasn’t really surprised, but I ended up crying anyway. I felt like things just suddenly crumbled and that pylon of stability was gone. She thinks I may do better on anti-psychotics to deal with the anxiety but that I would still need medication for the depression…and she said it is much farther out of her scope than she feels comfortable with. Hearing that, knowing that was the case messed with my head (I have abandonment issues) and dropped the “good” mood/state I was in right down to full panic-mode. I didn’t sleep last night, I binge ate, and in general feel crummy. BUT I am trying to remain positive about how this will work out. It’s got to get better. It really does. I am so freakin tired of being on a constant low. And I’m super sick of being so on edge about everything.

So now I am on the hunt (again) for a psychiatrist to 1) accept my medical insurance, 2)is accepting new patients, 3) isn’t much further than an hour’s drive since I don’t know how often I may have to go.

Right now I’m pushing myself to try to keep doing the things I was doing before I went to the doctor’s. Playing with my dolls, thinking about scripting them for photostories, trying to get my repainting skills back, posting on forums.

If I disappear from posting–now you’ll know why.

Learning to be Kind…

It’s taken a bit for me to realize that it is ok to be kind to myself. I put a lot of expectations and stress on myself when it comes to making things/doing things/ and just plain existing.

Today I realized that it IS ok to be kind to myself and not ride my case because the things I am doing aren;t coming out how I want them to, or are just flops.

That’s ok. And I have to be ok with that too.

I can’t say when the last time was that I sewed clothing in 1/6 scale. Most of the sewing I’ve done over the last year has been for my other hobby, the SCA. So the sewing small stuff fell by the wayside and I concentrated on making clothes for 1:1.

But now I am trying to get back into the 1/6 sewing and it is proving frustrating. But I think if I keep taking deep breaths, get up and walk away from the sewing machine and try to be more lighthearted about my attempts–it should be ok.

It is bound to be better if I can at least shut up my inner critic for a while 😉

 

Spring Song Poppy gets a Make Over

I worked on her last week and over the weekend and while she’s come out ok I’m not particularly satisfied with how she came out. I feel she shows how rusty my repainting skills have become, but with that in mind I am just going to have to do more of them to get back into practice.

So. This is what she looked like before I started:
springsong2
Not really inspiring by way of Poppy…But I picked her head up relatively cheaply last year and added her to my pile of “someday” projects.
Fast forward and this is how she looks now:
3 (2)

1 (2)

2 (2)

After I repainted her I decided that maybe she would be more appealing on the NuFace 2.0 body–so I popped her head on it and ta-da! It fits and it seems to fit her personality.

I was going to try to trade her or sell her but now I am not so sure because I am liking the vibe she’s giving off. But then, if someone offered me one of the other dolls I want I would trade her off in a heartbeat!

Ok that’s it for today’s post!

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