What is love? NDR post

What is love? Do I love my hobbies? Do I love my husband? Do I love my cats and family? My friends?

I guess I must.

For now, Love is hanging in there when all you want to do is give up.Love is continuing to breathe and not take too many pills and overdose. It’s not using the scalpel on my skin rather than craft supplies.

When I’m honest with Mark about how I feel, that I don’t see much merit in staying alive and that I would like very much to render myself dead, he says not to say that. He says he would be hurt if I did.

Wow, more guilt for me to deal with before I’ve even done anything (except for the episode in april where I was overdosing on my antidepressant/sleepaid. My only worry then (after I figured out that that’s what was going on with my body Ha ha) was me dying and the cats being left alone with not enough food or water–until hopefully one of my friends would come by and see my dead ass self wherever I was and realize the cats needed care.

And that’s another screw up for me. We have 4 cats. I take it very seriously that I am their parent and it is my responsibility to make sure they are taken care of and cared for. I can only name a few people that I think would be able to give them the care they need, and frankly, I couldn’t see anyone taken them on, with all their peculiar quirks and stuff.

I mentioned that I am selfish,right?

People say committing suicide is selfish. Because you leave everyone else behind to deal with the shit of life. I’m pretty selfish. I am. I know it. and I can openly admit it. I am not selfless, or whatever.

I don’t know how long I can keep holding on. How much longer I can roll with the waves of bullshit that keep hitting me. The anxiety keeps my body in a constant tense and tight ball that in turn makes everything else hurt. I try to flip on a positive attitude but that seems pretty pointless since I’m being bombarded with angry words and tantrums.

Because nothing is improving, or getting better. All the same issues hang in space and I want to walk off a cliff. I want to cry. I want to give up.

I don’t care if I die tonight and that’s the end of things. I’d pretty much welcome that–except of course for the fact that I would be worried about the cats. Mark is not meant to be a single parent to a bunch of cats. He’d probably try to find them a new home and move back to the UK and be with his family and friends there. So in that sense, just walking away from everything seems ok. Maybe even a better outcome for Mark since he is pretty miserable here and there is nothing that I can do about it.

I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of just hanging in there. I’m tired of lying to everyone that I’m ok and I’m fine and hanging in there. Oh yea. I am hanging. but it feels like a very thin thread that I’m holding onto. And I’ll be honest I feel like cutting it too. It feels like its too much.

I’m sick of feeling so frustrated and angry at myself for feeling this way, and for being depressed.

I started this morning thinking that maybe I could find my paints and try to work on repainting a doll face or two. I am so far removed from that now that it seems pointless to even think about my dolls and the stories that I want to tell with them but haven’t. And I don’t know if I ever will.  Maybe if I can catch a good mood I’ll manage to do it. But right now I doubt it. I’m flat. and that is it.

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7 thoughts on “What is love? NDR post

  1. I am sorry to read that you are feeling so badly. But the fact that you are writing about this makes me think that you really do want to live. That this is really a cry for help. I pray that you get the help you need. Death is final and there is no coming back from it! Try to look at the good things you have in your life. Your cats, your husband, your dolls, your talents. Don’t give up.

  2. I’m sorry that things feel so hopeless. I and my family suffer from anxiety and depression, in varying ways and severity. My suggestion to you is the same that I have received, and have given, when needed: If you are not seeing a doctor, get one immediately. Keep writing about how you feel, and please join a depression support group. If you feel like you might harm yourself, or feel frightened by your thoughts, please check in to the ER. You have a world of people around you who share your issues – you are not alone.

  3. I so sorry to hear you’re feeling this way. If you’re not seeing a doctor, you need to, and if you already are, you need medication that gets the job done or a new doctor because death isn’t the solution to stop feeling pain: no has ever come back to tell us it was.

    However, millions of people all over the world have said finding the right combination of therapist, group and medication has made their life feel worth living and joyful again.

    If you don’t feel like painting for your dolls or telling their stories, why not paint for yourself and make it about you and no one else for a change? What you create doesn’t have to please anyone else or even make any sense to them, empty your thoughts there and see if it unburdens you or makes them more manageable.
    Always keep in mind that you can go to the ER and tell your friends to look in on your cats for the few days that you’ll be taken care of. People often refuse to go to the hospital because they fear it will be like it was decades ago and they’ll stay in for so long that pets will get neglected, bills will go unpaid and they’ll come home to a worse situation but it’s amazing to see what modern inpatient care and a change of scenery can accomplish in just a couple of days to set you in the right direction.

    Don’t start imagining how things will be without your cats placed in new homes, your husband better off with family. Sure pets and people survive but that doesn’t mean they thrive. It doesn’t mean they wouldn’t have been much happier without losing a loved one. This isn’t about guilting you, this is reality. Just like you can love someone all your life, you can grieve for them all your life and miss them for as long as you live.

    You’re irreplaceable and you shouldn’t let anxiety or depression make you forget that. Keep looking for a solution, not an ending, but a real solution that will improve your life so much that it will have you wondering how you could ever feel so bad. It’s out there. That’s a sure thing. Take care of yourself.

  4. Don’t! Have you ever had so much to say that you can’t say anything? I KNOW how you’re feeling. It was like you were speaking MY thoughts; however, I have children to consider. My advice would be…You need to slap somebody (not the husband). Didn’t expect that did you. I did say we were on the same page, except before I self harm, I’m gonna slap the crap out of someone working my nerves. I came close the other day 20 yrs on the job, and I finally lost my shit. I just hurt some feelings, nothing physical though. Now I will share my coping mechanisms: 1) I always try to find the humor or irony in a situation. Examples: You should have seen the looks on the faces of my coworkers.(humor) Your cats will eat you. (Irony) 2) Count your blessings. You have a husband who loves you. You have followers on your blog (me & many more) who care enough to check periodically to see how you’re doing, etc. 3) Read or listen to a funny book…Becoming a Vincent, by C.M. Owens. I guarantee it will make you laugh. 4) Pray, if you believe in God. Pray if you don’t, whatever, meditate or take a short walk. Prayer is best, anyway true story…My niece committed suicide a month ago, she was 20 years old. The sad truth is that if she had called me for help, being in my feelings, I probably would have brushed her off. So I will say to you what I can’t say to her: it may feel like the end of the world but it will get better. Trust and believe. I hope you feel better soon. Play with your dolls, I need to play with mine too. Great stress relievers. WE CARE.

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