NDR: Being honest isn’t always easy…

It really isn’t when it comes to me discussing how my life is going and more importantly, my depression. No one really wants to talk about it. And I don’t in general like to fill my blog or tweets or flickr up with talking about it–because ultimately I’m on my own with it.

It isn’t so much that I hide it–I’m very honest about having it and suffering with it from my teens onward but that when I hit patches I can go one of 2 ways: I focus on only one thing or interest and try to use that to push through until I can get to a more tolerable spot mentally and emotionally OR 2) I try to carry on as usual and keep hoping that it will improve or I will encounter something that makes me feel some kind of interest or whatever to help me drag my psyche out of the inertia it ends up trapped by. Or 3) I have a major depressive episode and I see a doctor and either get put on meds or am hospitalized.

So. Yes. I have been suffering.
Because I couldn’t make #1 happen and #2 wasn’t helping.
Nothing I did was making a difference.
I don’t think I realized exactly how bad it’s been the last 6 or 7 months.
Bad. Unpleasant. Fatiguing. Pointless. Useless.
Those words don’t really cover it.
I contemplated alternatives. I thought about what the world, my cats and my husband would have to deal with if I wasn’t around. I have been a “downer” and a “bummer”. And even though I knew it I could not seem to do anything to change it. I thought a lot of it was related to the severe insomnia I suffer from. My doctor insisted that I was suffering from a generalized anxiety disorder but she wouldn’t take my concerns seriously. I was told it was all anxiety related. Which of course made me feel worse. I have been hospitalized for depression in the past and I know enough about myself to know what I’m experiencing.

The last time I saw my doctor mentioned that it was worse and that things were getting much more difficult to cope with and that the depression was making my life pretty much not worth the while to live.
That sounds more dramatic than it was.
It has just been the case that doing anything took so much more effort than I had. Interacting with people was about putting on a smiley face and then crying when I got home. All the things I took joy in — my dolls, my action figures, my photography all were too much for me to do or consider. It was picking up a craft knife and not thinking about crafting.

So about two months ago she prescribed 2 different things for me: 1 is an anti anxiety med and the other is a drug that is supposed to help me to sleep and also, have the added use of being efficacious as an antidepressant.

Anyway, I’ve been taking them and I am finally starting to feel closer to how I used to feel, back when my depression was relatively controlled.
And you know what?
I am starting to “play” with my dolls again!
I can feel the twinges of wanting to write scripts for them again. And to work on diorama projects that have been languishing half-begun or still stuck in planning stages.
I don’t feel good. But I feel better. And the fact that I am able to start looking at this stuff again without feeling guilty or like a failure must be a good thing.
I’ll update more soon.
Thanks 🙂

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14 thoughts on “NDR: Being honest isn’t always easy…

  1. I know the feeling of hopelessness. I’m glad you’re starting to feel closer to how you used to feel. I wish you strength to ‘climb up and out’ soon.

    1. Thank you, Allenoel. I appreciate the sentiment and I hope I keep climbing 🙂

  2. Sorry to here you haven’t been feeling up to par as of late. Depression is nothing to joke about, that is for sure. I also suffer from severe depression, anxiety and post traumatic stress disorder in additon to many physical health issues — I guess one feeds the other. Keep on pulling out of this one and know that I for one will be watching for more from you in your blog. Take care of yourself!

  3. It’s good to hear from you! I’m sorry things have been so difficult lately. I hope they’ll continue to improve.

  4. I’m so sorry you’ve been going through a hard time. I’ve dealt with depression myself for a couple decades (as well as other comorbid issues), it ebbs and flows and it’s hard for anyone who hasn’t gone through it to really understand the hopelessness, the all-consuming exhaustion and the other debilitating symptoms. The decision to take medication is a big one, I’m glad you’re trying it and it seems to be helping. I will keep you in my thoughts and send good vibes your way.
    Please know that I really enjoy your blog, you are inspiring me to go farther with my own projects. I look forward to seeing more from you, hopefully, soon. ((hugs))

    1. Aww, thank you for sharing with me Caroline 🙂 and thank you for being a reader here on the blog. Sometimes I think it must be boring for other people to read and I hope I’ll be able to post more regularly with projects and ideas and stuff. And please do let me know if there’s anything you’d like to read about 😉

  5. My wish for you is the day(s) when you wake up and think about the things you’ll do that day with some anticipation and pleasure – and that it will carry through the day. When we’re most depressed it’s hard to think that we’ll ever wake up and feel that way, but it can happen! And I wish you much joy with your projects and dolls. I’ll be thinking of you.

  6. While I enjoy reading your blog, I rarely comment. This deserves comment. It is brave of you to tell the world what is real and true for you. I am struggling with doing that, for other reasons. I hope that you will recover your energy and equilibrium. Best wishes.

  7. Over 10 years ago when I was going through a period of terrible panic attacks and even a few months of agrophobia I was persuaded by a close friend to go to my doctors to tell him about it. I’d already been several times about other, genuine, things, but I could ever bring up my anxiety because I was, ridiculously I suppose, ashamed of it. But then, on this occasion, when yet again I had chickened out of telling the truth and had told him I was worried about something trivial, he said as I went to the door, “Would you like to come back and tell me the real problem?” So I did. He was incredible – I saw two different councellors and when it became obvious that this alone wouldn’t help he prescribed me some medication. There were those who said it would stop me feeling emotions, etc, but alI I know is that the combination of it all made me revert to being the me I remembered. Anxiety wise, I still get anxious about things but in what I consider a normal way. And my agrophobia vanished so that I changed from a person who couldn’t go 100 yards from my house easily to someone who flew to Australia!! I’m so glad to read that you’re feeling better and feel sad that not everyone has a doctor as intuitive as mine. Best wishes.

  8. Thinking of you. Glad to hear the meds have been helping some. I hope things continue to improve for you. —<–{@

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